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Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece. Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money. Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is. Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world. August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December. Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery. Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at AM. Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison.

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications (i.e. The first ’test version’ of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. Altar Ego: Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered. Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash. Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits. Barnstorming: Brainstorm for pullet-zer prize winners. Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.

Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty. Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do. Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.” Consultant: 1.

Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.

A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him. Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’ Admonition: 1. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands. Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said. Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy. Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven’t got any other conferences to go to. When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again. Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first. Book Review: A brief but informative essay that spares readers the ordeal of digesting an actual book. Books Never Written Bookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read. Boomerang Workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies. Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can’t get a date; 4. Contraceptive: A labor-saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion. What you tell the police officer after the burglar has already escaped. Corn-On-The-Cob: The stuff you eat like you play a mouth organ. Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Counter-Irritant: The woman who shops all day and buys nothing. Country: A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked.

Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat. Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. See also most of the information the government tells you. Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.

Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can’t do this. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more; 8. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent. Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.

A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude. Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning. Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day. Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding.. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all. Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ … A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod. Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings Beans: Actor’s caviar. Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street. Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page. Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe. Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.

Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade. Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business. Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Something too old to be anything but too expensive. ) Usage: See “Rats” Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Something that gets better when you don’t have facts; 3. Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner. Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters. Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop. Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour. Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics. Antique Collector’s Song: “You take the highboy and I’ll take the lowboy. Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet; 4. Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue; 45. Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

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